Another mess
by megglesnake
Summary: A oneshot of silliness. Alistair has been changed *GASP!* How will he cope?


**Here's a silly little story my Editor alyssacousland and I thought up. It's been done before I'm sure, but it's an idea that simply pestered me to no end. The story is told from Alistair's POV. Enjoy the silliness! **

The she-bitch...I mean witch and I are on watch tonight. Alone. Together. No one to save me from her constant venomous comments that make me want to punch her square in her pointy nose! No more than three minutes and she's already expressing her worthless opinion of my thinking abilities.

"Your constant accusations are causing my head to ache in ways I never thought at all possible. I would ask you only to speak when you have something which might be worth hearing. My, my. But there is a thought. The mindless Chantry drone may never speak again."

"I hate you with every fiber of my being."

"Your words wound me so." She chortled.

"I'm a drone? At least my mother doesn't want to force me out of my body." I was grinning even though I knew I had crossed the line, I couldn't stop myself. "Maybe Elissa really let your mother go. Maybe she lied to you. Oh, how I dream of the day your own mother PAINFULLY forces you out of your own body. The pain you'll feel fills me with su..."

Suddenly speaking became impossible. My body hurts, why does my body hurt so much? It feels as if every muscle in my body is being broken. I look down at look at my arms. Oh good Maker, my skin! What the fuck has happened to my skin? It's...gone! I want to scream, but no sound comes from my mouth when I try.

My eyes fly to the she-bitch. She's chanting something under her breath, with her staff held up to the sky, twirling it about like magic folk do. I have to stop her before she finishes whatever evil incantation she's reciting from her mother's book. But when I try to move I can't.

I think I'm going to pass out, when suddenly the pain disappears. I look around me but the world seems so big, strange, and hazy. What the bloody hell is going on? I look up at Morrigan. Wait...what? I'm looking UP at Morrigan? Something is most definitely wrong here. I look down at my body.

"FEATHERS! WHY AM I COVERED IN FEATHERS!"

I look up at the she-bitch again. She's smiling at me. A wicked smile that sends a shiver down my spine. At least I still have one that shivers can be sent down upon.

"I am so very sorry, but I indeed do not speak canary. That is what you assumed a cat would swallow. Correct? I merely thought this was a far more accurate interpretation of your intelligence." She said laughed as she disappeared inside her tent. She is actually leaving me here looking like this!

"Alistair?" I hear Elissa call out to me. Oh Maker, why couldn't I have been watching with her tonight? I'd have no feathers.

I hear her call out my name. Every instinct tells me I need to flee. She wants to hurt me, maybe even kill me. So I fly away. Where to?

"OH SHIT! SHALE!" I chirp aloud just as I avoid Shale's massive hands coming towards me, fully intending to smash me into a broken pile of bird guts. "Arse!" I yell as I climb upwards into the sky. But they only come out as angry squawks.

As I fly aimlessly away from camp and farther away from my companions, I realize I have no idea where I'm going. I should be going to Denerim, but I have no idea where that is. Even as a bird my sense of direction is horrid. This also might be because I'm starved.

I look down at the ground. With my newly improved eyesight I can see worms, lots of worms crawling about. My stomach begins to growl. Although the part that is still me groans in disgust, my birdie hunger takes over my brain and before I know it I'm on the ground picking small worms up and eating them.

I hear a soft rustling behind me, but I ignore it. Thinking it was only the wind. Within a matter of seconds I was under attack by a hoard of evil cats. Two of them. One was flanking from the left, while the other flanked me from the right. Frantically, I flapped my wings in order to propel me upwards. Thankfully, I was able to lift off the ground just before they both reached the place where I had been standing.

"Ha, ha you stupid cats!" I screamed angrily at them.

I forgot cats can jump.

One knocked me down, while the other covered my body as I hit the ground. Well isn't that a way to end all. Death by cats. "Fucking cats! DARKSPAWN HAVE NOTHING ON YOUR EVILNESS!" I squawked loudly and acidly.

"Shoo cats!" Came a voice I recognized very well. Oh good Maker! It was Eli. Sweet little Eli. She does love me.

"Morrigan. Is this Alistair?" She asked.

"I suppose it could be. But there are so many birds around these parts. 'Tis hard to tell one from the other."

I'm on her shoulder in the blink of an eye. "It's me! It's me! I'm Alistair." Alas, my words were still coming out as chirps.

"Oh yes. This is Alistair alright." Elissa stated dully.

"Might I ask how you can tell?" Morrigan asked smirking evilly.

"It's constantly talking." She was rolling her eyes.

I'm gasping in shock.

"You're coming back to camp." She stated as she started back to camp with me on her shoulder. "But don't change him back until tomorrow. I could do with a night of peace and quiet." Elissa and Morrigan were both laughing.

My beak drops. "You'll get no rest tonight you witch lover! Not if I can help it!"

"Yeah, yeah." Elissa sighed as if she could understand what I was saying.

"I take back what I said about cats. Women are far worse than cats and darkspawn put together." I sighed as I realized I was trapped. For the night at least. "Tomorrow I shall take my vengence. Such whining as you and the world have never heard." I vowed aloud. "Yes. For tomorrow is a brand new..."

"I can give you to Shale." She threatened cheerfully. This was enough to shut me up. For now.


End file.
